Facebook First Profile Challenge and an Update

This is overdue.  Sorry I have not good excuse.  OK, kid stuff has been crazy the last couple of weeks.  Charlotte hurt her knee - She's in a brace.  Ruby is doing PT for an ankle sprain.  The other two are just doing all their regular activities.  On top of that I'm navigating incorporating exercise and figuring out food. 

I did not participate in the Facebook challenge where you post your first profile picture and your current profile picture.  Why, well that last 6 years have not been kind to me.  Actually I have not been kind to my body in the last 6 years. Actually, that is not completely true.  Some of what lead to weight gain was me taking care of me and some of it was me giving up on my appearance.  Short explanation - hysterectomy followed by anxiety meds followed by weight gain from more chill approach to life and/or medication, followed by screw it who cares attitude.

 So I'll post it here. 

May 2007

September 2018

Between those two pictures I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight about 4 years later before gaining and weighing the most I ever have.  Ugh.  In true social media fashion if it isn't positive we don't post it.  So I didn't.  And it made me sad that I succumbed to being that vain.  Does it matter that I weigh at least 50 lbs more in one photo than the other?  No.  Is that really the end all be all of judging how the last 11 years have gone?  No.  But I was still embarrassed.  But here.  I get to talk about all the ends and outs and not just post two pictures.  And here, I'm determined to be honest with the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Now on to the update from surgery.  I am now 3.5 weeks out.  The eating plan has not been bad and my new stomach has reacted great as I've added more stages.  I'm now on the soft food stage.  It gives me a lot more choices than the previous stages have.  Monday, I am on full food.  Yippee!  

I saw my surgeon last week.  He said all looks well and I'm progressing well.  He lifted all restrictions on activity.  I am on week two of walking 3-4 days a week.  I'm slowly increasing my distance and am definitely getting faster.  Joining a gym is the next step in the plan.  I know I'll need weight training to minimize loose skin.

For those wondering I'm averaging about 600 calories a day.  I'm drinking 64-88oz of water plus other drinks.  I find getting the minimum of 60 grams of protein to be the hardest to hit.  I do great as long as I have at one protein shake.  If I don't have a shake I don't seem to hit the goal.  

Now for the stats.  As of Monday's weigh in I have lost 20 lbs since surgery and 29.8 lbs since starting pre-op diet.

Hopefully I'll be more timely in the next update.

Jenn

It's All Mental

Sorry for not updating closer to my surgery date or before now post surgery.  The pre-op diet was not hard.  I love that my doctor did not make me do a two week liquid diet.  I had to be mindful of my food and make the right choices but I did not go into surgery already tired of all my liquid choices.  

Surgery went without a hitch.  I was at the hospital at 6:00am, in surgery by 8:30, out by 10:30 and back in my room about an hour later.  My blood pressure was low after surgery so it took them longer to get me up than normal trying to give it time to come up a bit.  Once that happened I had to walk and use the restroom before they would send me home.  I was home by 3:00 pm.

The first two days were not fun.  Mostly from the gas pain that comes with laparoscopic surgery.  By the morning of day three I was not taking any pain medicine and the gas was much better! Day three was the first day I drove and ran a couple of errands.  From there on I have done a bit more each day.  

Days four and five started some serious cravings. It was all for meat.  I'm sure it was due to not getting enough protein in.  I have upped my protein and that has made most of that stop.

I know most of this journey and the success of it is mental.  I am trying to be very aware of my thoughts about food and weight and what is really behind them.  I know I have to have a very different approach to food going forward or this won't work.   I know I have to stick to the plan and if I can not do that now, I will not do it long term.  I've had thoughts of "Really, maybe I can have beans or cottage cheese now."  But they are not on the plan until next week.  I can wait a week.  But I have to talk myself through that.  It will not hurt me in any way to wait another week.  But trying to rush things can make me miserable and if I bend that rule, what will I bend next? 

Yes, I realize the irony in that.  I am rules are constructs to know where I can get around them kind of person.  And now I need to follow the rules.  This is very hard for me.  

The other huge mental side of this in weighing and actual amount lost at any point.  I made a rule that at this time I will only weigh once a week.  I know stalls will come and I know weighing daily will lead to obsessing about the scale.  I was good for the first few days, but by Thursday or Friday (days 4 and 5) I knew I had lost some weight and I really wanted to weigh.  I ran through the reasons to wait and stayed strong. 

Today was weigh in day.  I was really excited to step on the scale.  I lost 10.3 lbs. in one week!  Which is awesome.  Guess what?  I stepped off the scale and I was hugely disappointed.  I was sure it was going to be more.  Y'all, I was disappointed over a 10 pound in a single week loss!!!!! Do you know how crazy that is?  How many times would I have paid money for that amount of loss in a month, much less a week?  How could I be disappointed?  Y'all this is such a mental game.  I had to remind myself that this journey is not about a number on the scale, a certain size clothing, etc.  It is about being healthier long term.  As long as I am following the program the numbers do not matter.  

For those of you following along, I lost 10 lbs. on the pre-op diet and have lost 10.3 in the first week for a total loss to date  of 20.3 lbs, in three weeks!  

The left photo is no make-up, no hair styling, but I could already tell a difference in my face.

I have no regrets about my choice to do surgery.  So far I feel good.  I'm making good choices.  I'm meeting my protein and hydration goals for each day.  One more week of a liquid diet before I get to purees.

Jenn

Effort

We have many Christmas traditions.  Many of which revolve around food.  One of which is Christmas cake.  I've been making this cake for 21 years.  It was on the cover of the December Southern Living the year I got married.  It was beautiful and I decided I should try it.  It was a hit and a tradition was born.

This year.  One of my girls made the cake.  I was busy doing other things so she offered to bake the actual cakes.  Then, when it was time to make the frosting, I asked if she could make it and I would frost it.  She asked to do the actual frosting and I agreed.  She started while I was out running an errand. I wasn't there to offer support and advice.  

Y'all this is a hard cake to frost.  It is a red velvet cake with a white frosting.  It is very easy to end up with pink and red frosting.  That happened today.  She was sad.  And disappointed.  And frustrated. 

But y'all she made a three layer marbled red velvet and white cake with peppermint cream cheese frosting. She did it.  She persevered.  Is it the most beautiful cake you've ever seen?  No.  Is it the best Christmas cake you will ever eat?  ABSOLUTELY!  And you know what? Next year she will do better frosting it than she did this year, and the year after that, even better.  I'm proud of her.  Not because she made a magazine cover worthy cake but because she went all in and gave it her best effort.  And because she did so to allow me to get other things done.  

The cake that will be on the table tonight for six families to enjoy will not just be a cake. It will be the sacrifice of her own time, her caring of others, her hard work, her expectations, her love and a whole lot of  hope.  And I can tell you now it will be beautiful.  And it will taste even better. 

I have a daughter with a big heart for others and I love her dearly,

Jenn

This Guy!

I love my oldest.  He is a great kid.  He is funny and self confident.  He kind of defies description.

I happened upon this video on Facebook last week and out of curiosity thought I should watch it.  My second thought was that I wouldn't be surprised if my oldest was not somewhere in the video. He is in the last 30 seconds.


After watching the video, I had a bunch of questions.  Luckily it wasn't long until The Boy came home and I could get them all answered.  Maybe you have some of the same questions I did.

Were you the only student in the video?  Yes

Were there supposed to be other students in the video? Yes, but none of them showed up

Why in the world were you in your band uniform? The idea was that students from all kinds of organizations would be in the video and represent their organization by wearing a shirt or uniform.

Moral of the Story:  Always show up?  Ask who else is coming before you show up?  Either? Both?  I guess it all depends on who you are.

Pre-Op Diet Update

It's been a week today.  So far, so good.  Remember my surgeon uses a low carb pre-op diet, not a liquid one.  I think the hardest meal was when the whole family had pizza and the caesar salad I ordered arrived with zero romaine and all iceberg lettuce.  Many of you know that I do not eat iceberg lettuce under any circumstances.  Pizza for everyone in the house and iceberg lettuce for me.  I chose well and ate the iceberg lettuce.  Major accomplishment.

In other news, this time next week I will be officially on my new journey.  Surgery is scheduled for 8:30 on 12/31! 

Merry Christmas Eve.  I hope Santa is good to everyone.  I'm looking forward to an evening of great fellowship with dear friends and family.

Jenn

Pet Peeve: It's 2018 People!

Ok this is really not a big deal in the grand scheme of things but it drives me crazy!  Why are we still calling girls' teams Lady Whatever?  Why are they not just The Whatevers like the boys' teams? 

Eliza is playing basketball for her middle school.  They are The Leopards.  One of her uniforms says "Leopards."  The other uniform says "Lady Leopards."  They boys uniforms don't say "Gentleman Leopards" so why in the world does the girls' team need to have a gender qualifier?  If you are at the game and can see, you know they are girls! 

It is 2018!  Both genders play sports.  Why in the world do we still feel the need for this stupid differentiation? 

The worst team I've run into was the Lady Dawgs.  Now lets be honest, what is your first thought when you read that?  Yep you are thinking they are The Bitches.  They are a 12U Softball team.  Who wants their daughter playing on a team with that name?  I mean seriously people.

In other news.  I saw I hilarious elf on the shelf picture yesterday.  Here is the text conversation that happened with my family.

Keeping it Real and Not Always about Weight Loss Surgery

Sunday Michael and I were going to church at two different times.  I knew he told me that Rehm was going with him.  Charlotte and Ruby had babysat the night before.  When they arrived home at 1:00 am Charlotte said she would go whenever I was going and Ruby asked not to be woken up.  See where this is going? 

Sunday morning rolls around. Michael leaves before me.  I wake Charlotte.  We go to church.  As were are pulling in the parking lot, I get a call from Eliza.  She wants to know why I left her at home!!!!

Me:  Um...I thought you were with your Dad.

Eliza:  You didn't even check!

Me: ....

Eliza:  I really wanted to be at church today!

Me: I'm so sorry!  I'll send Rehm home to get you and bring you back.

Now, home and church are 20 minutes apart on a Sunday morning.  It was 9:00 at that point and youth programming starts at 9:30. Math is not in my favor.  I inform Rehm of the plan.  He is not happy.  His small group was going off site for a Christmas celebration and now he was going to be late to that.  So I managed to upset half of my kids but they all got where they needed to be and eventually Eliza got over being left.

Oh, it is also official that I have a new interim job at our church.  I am moving from Children and Family Ministry to Student Ministries (Youth- Middle and High School).  I will now be the Interim Student Ministries Assistant.  I keep joking that it is a step up from the Children's job as my title there was Interim Intern.  But it really is a joke as my role will be similar in many respects just with a different age group.  I'm thrilled to get the opportunity to continue to work at our church.  It is a great place and the staff is amazing.  I could not ask for better co-workers.

In other news, tonight everyone helped me make tamales.  This is the first year I've done the whole process on my own.  I usually go to a friend's house to roll tamales and she provides the red sauce and the masa mixture.  But we did it!  I made my own red sauce and all.  I think we made 9 dozen total.  We have beef, pork and bean this year.  That means we are ready for Christmas Eve.  And now my family has seen the whole process too.  Meaning this can be an ongoing tradition for the Maniacs!  That makes me happy.

And last but least, two days of pre-op diet down and not bad at all so far.  Yay!

The tamales should be cooled enough to be bagged and frozen now.  Peace out!

Jenn

And So It Begins

Today marks the start of my pre-op diet. Many surgeons have patients do a 2 week liquid diet prior to surgery.  My surgeon is not one of them.  I am very thankful.  My pre-op diet is very low carb but real food, except for the last day.  That day is a clear liquid diet to ensure the stomach is empty at surgery. 

The goal of the pre-op diet is to shrink the liver to make the surgery easier on the surgeon.  The liver has to be lifted out of the way to get to the stomach.  Overweight patients tend to have fatty livers.  The pre-op diet is designed to shrink the liver approximately 15%, thus making getting around it easier.

The last week or so, I've know that the pre-op diet was coming followed by surgery.  I have been having my last hurrah with all of my favorite foods that will not be on my plate in the future. I expected to really enjoy these meals, and some of them I really have.  But some of them have not been anywhere as delicious as I was expecting them to be.  I'm not sure if it is my mind make an shift or what.  I'm grateful though.  As it has made this next phase easier to enter. 

What was my last meal?  A PDQ Pimento Crunch sandwich and fries.  It was delicious.  I enjoyed the time with Ruby more than the food.  I love getting one on one time with each of my kids. We had errands to run and it was dinner time so we had a dinner date.  It was lovely.

 There have been some interesting conversations with my girls in the last week, the boy has been completely uninterested, I would even say oblivious.  But that is not surprising at all.  I've been open and honest with them about this procedure and my feelings surrounding it  One of my concerns from the beginning is how my doing this procedure will affect them.  I do not want to cause them diet or body issues.  That has always been a goal of mine and I'm sure I've already failed. 

I've always tried to talk about health, different body styles, embracing the body we have, taking care of the body we have, controlling what is in our control and accepting what is beyond it.  All of these themes continue.  I am honest with them about my faults - I'm an emotional eater, I eat more than I should, and I don't move my body.  I'm honest with them about my reasons for doing this surgery and my fears that I'll manage to screw it up.  We've talked about the fact that there will be some really rough days post surgery where I will probably wish I had never done it.  And we've talked about all my important reasons for doing the surgery.

 I pray I am handling this well with them.  I so want them to love their bodies. I know it is so hard for girls to do.  I want them to see how uniquely, beautifully, and perfectly made they are.  I want them to have confidence in themselves, to love themselves, to give themselves grace. 

If you see me this week and I'm a little less peppy.  Just know I just broke up with my life long love - food.  It's going to be a rocky breakup.  I chose it, but I will still miss the relationship and mourn it.  It is going to take some time to get to my new healthy relationship with myself that will ultimately replace the destructive one I had with my longtime love.  I'm on the right path. 

Jenn

Why Weight Loss Surgery?

Everyone has a different "why." And I'm writing about this not to justify it for anyone else but so I have my "why" written down somewhere.  I honestly don't need anyone reading to understand or to agree with me, but if you want some insight on how I got here feel free to keep reading.

I have never been thin in my life.  EVER.  And honestly, that is not my goal now.  I have always been the big one in the group from elementary school on.  Part of that is definitely genetics.  I look like most of the women on one side of the family.  We are naturally curvy with a larger butts, hips and thighs and no boobs to speak of, even when we are at a healthy weight.  When I am not at a healthy weight I am just, well, big.  

I came to appreciate my curves in my 30s and accept the genetic body I was given.  I got to and maintained a healthy weight and size for me multiple times through that decade.  That was the decade I actually liked my body.  Curves are good.  

The other part of the equation is I am an emotional eater.  Every emotion makes me want food.  Sometimes in my life I have dealt with this better than other times.  But controlling this is what makes or breaks where I am health and weight wise. 

I can lose weight and I can even maintain it for a period of time.  I've done this many times over my adult life.  However, something always comes along and derails me.  Yes, that something is ultimately me and how I deal with stress and crisis and change.  And I know I still have to do a better job of that going forward.  

I know that weight loss surgery is not a cure all.  It is a tool.  I can succeed or I can fail.  I am fully aware.  And it terrifies me that I will fail.  I also know that it is currently the best tool I have to maintain weight loss and not be back where I started a year, two years or five years from now.  

I know many people have many opinions about weight loss surgery.  Not everyone will think it is a great idea for me.  I ask that you support my journey and trust that I have done the research and the work to know what I'm getting into and what all it entails.  This was not a hasty decision.  It might seem that way to many who are just now hearing about it.  Just because you haven't heard about it until now doesn't mean it hasn't been in the works for months and honestly researched for multiple years.  This is the decision I feel is best for me.  That doesn't mean it is the best for everyone or that there aren't other ways to achieve a healthier body.  Trust me, I'm aware.  We all have to choose what is best for us individually.  Please respect my decision.  

I know, I'm already long winded.  But why am I doing this?  Well, I'm obese.  I've always been overweight but for the last 6ish years I've well surpassed overweight and hit full on obese.  And it has affected my health.  I have sleep apnea, high triglycerides, and weird headaches.  I have family history of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and high blood pressure.  I want to be around a long time.  The absolute best thing I can do to decrease my current health issues and prevent the others is lose weight.  Did I mention how much I despise the cpap machine?  I can not wait to kick it permanently to the curb.

I am worth the effort, work, blood, sweat and tears that I am putting into this next chapter of my journey with knowing and loving myself.  Is it going to be hard? Yes.  Am I going to wonder at times if I did the right thing? Yes.  Is it drastic? Maybe, but honestly probably not at this point.  I need to be healthy, for me, for my husband, for my kids.  This is the first step in the journey of getting back to a healthy me.  

Thanks for coming along on this journey,

Jenn

*****I know I am sharing my personal journey.  I ask that you be respectful and encouraging in any comments you may feel led to leave.  I want to be honest and open about this process.  I will remove mean or judgemental comments.  *****