It's All Mental

Sorry for not updating closer to my surgery date or before now post surgery.  The pre-op diet was not hard.  I love that my doctor did not make me do a two week liquid diet.  I had to be mindful of my food and make the right choices but I did not go into surgery already tired of all my liquid choices.  

Surgery went without a hitch.  I was at the hospital at 6:00am, in surgery by 8:30, out by 10:30 and back in my room about an hour later.  My blood pressure was low after surgery so it took them longer to get me up than normal trying to give it time to come up a bit.  Once that happened I had to walk and use the restroom before they would send me home.  I was home by 3:00 pm.

The first two days were not fun.  Mostly from the gas pain that comes with laparoscopic surgery.  By the morning of day three I was not taking any pain medicine and the gas was much better! Day three was the first day I drove and ran a couple of errands.  From there on I have done a bit more each day.  

Days four and five started some serious cravings. It was all for meat.  I'm sure it was due to not getting enough protein in.  I have upped my protein and that has made most of that stop.

I know most of this journey and the success of it is mental.  I am trying to be very aware of my thoughts about food and weight and what is really behind them.  I know I have to have a very different approach to food going forward or this won't work.   I know I have to stick to the plan and if I can not do that now, I will not do it long term.  I've had thoughts of "Really, maybe I can have beans or cottage cheese now."  But they are not on the plan until next week.  I can wait a week.  But I have to talk myself through that.  It will not hurt me in any way to wait another week.  But trying to rush things can make me miserable and if I bend that rule, what will I bend next? 

Yes, I realize the irony in that.  I am rules are constructs to know where I can get around them kind of person.  And now I need to follow the rules.  This is very hard for me.  

The other huge mental side of this in weighing and actual amount lost at any point.  I made a rule that at this time I will only weigh once a week.  I know stalls will come and I know weighing daily will lead to obsessing about the scale.  I was good for the first few days, but by Thursday or Friday (days 4 and 5) I knew I had lost some weight and I really wanted to weigh.  I ran through the reasons to wait and stayed strong. 

Today was weigh in day.  I was really excited to step on the scale.  I lost 10.3 lbs. in one week!  Which is awesome.  Guess what?  I stepped off the scale and I was hugely disappointed.  I was sure it was going to be more.  Y'all, I was disappointed over a 10 pound in a single week loss!!!!! Do you know how crazy that is?  How many times would I have paid money for that amount of loss in a month, much less a week?  How could I be disappointed?  Y'all this is such a mental game.  I had to remind myself that this journey is not about a number on the scale, a certain size clothing, etc.  It is about being healthier long term.  As long as I am following the program the numbers do not matter.  

For those of you following along, I lost 10 lbs. on the pre-op diet and have lost 10.3 in the first week for a total loss to date  of 20.3 lbs, in three weeks!  

The left photo is no make-up, no hair styling, but I could already tell a difference in my face.

I have no regrets about my choice to do surgery.  So far I feel good.  I'm making good choices.  I'm meeting my protein and hydration goals for each day.  One more week of a liquid diet before I get to purees.

Jenn

Pre-Op Diet Update

It's been a week today.  So far, so good.  Remember my surgeon uses a low carb pre-op diet, not a liquid one.  I think the hardest meal was when the whole family had pizza and the caesar salad I ordered arrived with zero romaine and all iceberg lettuce.  Many of you know that I do not eat iceberg lettuce under any circumstances.  Pizza for everyone in the house and iceberg lettuce for me.  I chose well and ate the iceberg lettuce.  Major accomplishment.

In other news, this time next week I will be officially on my new journey.  Surgery is scheduled for 8:30 on 12/31! 

Merry Christmas Eve.  I hope Santa is good to everyone.  I'm looking forward to an evening of great fellowship with dear friends and family.

Jenn

And So It Begins

Today marks the start of my pre-op diet. Many surgeons have patients do a 2 week liquid diet prior to surgery.  My surgeon is not one of them.  I am very thankful.  My pre-op diet is very low carb but real food, except for the last day.  That day is a clear liquid diet to ensure the stomach is empty at surgery. 

The goal of the pre-op diet is to shrink the liver to make the surgery easier on the surgeon.  The liver has to be lifted out of the way to get to the stomach.  Overweight patients tend to have fatty livers.  The pre-op diet is designed to shrink the liver approximately 15%, thus making getting around it easier.

The last week or so, I've know that the pre-op diet was coming followed by surgery.  I have been having my last hurrah with all of my favorite foods that will not be on my plate in the future. I expected to really enjoy these meals, and some of them I really have.  But some of them have not been anywhere as delicious as I was expecting them to be.  I'm not sure if it is my mind make an shift or what.  I'm grateful though.  As it has made this next phase easier to enter. 

What was my last meal?  A PDQ Pimento Crunch sandwich and fries.  It was delicious.  I enjoyed the time with Ruby more than the food.  I love getting one on one time with each of my kids. We had errands to run and it was dinner time so we had a dinner date.  It was lovely.

 There have been some interesting conversations with my girls in the last week, the boy has been completely uninterested, I would even say oblivious.  But that is not surprising at all.  I've been open and honest with them about this procedure and my feelings surrounding it  One of my concerns from the beginning is how my doing this procedure will affect them.  I do not want to cause them diet or body issues.  That has always been a goal of mine and I'm sure I've already failed. 

I've always tried to talk about health, different body styles, embracing the body we have, taking care of the body we have, controlling what is in our control and accepting what is beyond it.  All of these themes continue.  I am honest with them about my faults - I'm an emotional eater, I eat more than I should, and I don't move my body.  I'm honest with them about my reasons for doing this surgery and my fears that I'll manage to screw it up.  We've talked about the fact that there will be some really rough days post surgery where I will probably wish I had never done it.  And we've talked about all my important reasons for doing the surgery.

 I pray I am handling this well with them.  I so want them to love their bodies. I know it is so hard for girls to do.  I want them to see how uniquely, beautifully, and perfectly made they are.  I want them to have confidence in themselves, to love themselves, to give themselves grace. 

If you see me this week and I'm a little less peppy.  Just know I just broke up with my life long love - food.  It's going to be a rocky breakup.  I chose it, but I will still miss the relationship and mourn it.  It is going to take some time to get to my new healthy relationship with myself that will ultimately replace the destructive one I had with my longtime love.  I'm on the right path. 

Jenn

Why Weight Loss Surgery?

Everyone has a different "why." And I'm writing about this not to justify it for anyone else but so I have my "why" written down somewhere.  I honestly don't need anyone reading to understand or to agree with me, but if you want some insight on how I got here feel free to keep reading.

I have never been thin in my life.  EVER.  And honestly, that is not my goal now.  I have always been the big one in the group from elementary school on.  Part of that is definitely genetics.  I look like most of the women on one side of the family.  We are naturally curvy with a larger butts, hips and thighs and no boobs to speak of, even when we are at a healthy weight.  When I am not at a healthy weight I am just, well, big.  

I came to appreciate my curves in my 30s and accept the genetic body I was given.  I got to and maintained a healthy weight and size for me multiple times through that decade.  That was the decade I actually liked my body.  Curves are good.  

The other part of the equation is I am an emotional eater.  Every emotion makes me want food.  Sometimes in my life I have dealt with this better than other times.  But controlling this is what makes or breaks where I am health and weight wise. 

I can lose weight and I can even maintain it for a period of time.  I've done this many times over my adult life.  However, something always comes along and derails me.  Yes, that something is ultimately me and how I deal with stress and crisis and change.  And I know I still have to do a better job of that going forward.  

I know that weight loss surgery is not a cure all.  It is a tool.  I can succeed or I can fail.  I am fully aware.  And it terrifies me that I will fail.  I also know that it is currently the best tool I have to maintain weight loss and not be back where I started a year, two years or five years from now.  

I know many people have many opinions about weight loss surgery.  Not everyone will think it is a great idea for me.  I ask that you support my journey and trust that I have done the research and the work to know what I'm getting into and what all it entails.  This was not a hasty decision.  It might seem that way to many who are just now hearing about it.  Just because you haven't heard about it until now doesn't mean it hasn't been in the works for months and honestly researched for multiple years.  This is the decision I feel is best for me.  That doesn't mean it is the best for everyone or that there aren't other ways to achieve a healthier body.  Trust me, I'm aware.  We all have to choose what is best for us individually.  Please respect my decision.  

I know, I'm already long winded.  But why am I doing this?  Well, I'm obese.  I've always been overweight but for the last 6ish years I've well surpassed overweight and hit full on obese.  And it has affected my health.  I have sleep apnea, high triglycerides, and weird headaches.  I have family history of heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and high blood pressure.  I want to be around a long time.  The absolute best thing I can do to decrease my current health issues and prevent the others is lose weight.  Did I mention how much I despise the cpap machine?  I can not wait to kick it permanently to the curb.

I am worth the effort, work, blood, sweat and tears that I am putting into this next chapter of my journey with knowing and loving myself.  Is it going to be hard? Yes.  Am I going to wonder at times if I did the right thing? Yes.  Is it drastic? Maybe, but honestly probably not at this point.  I need to be healthy, for me, for my husband, for my kids.  This is the first step in the journey of getting back to a healthy me.  

Thanks for coming along on this journey,

Jenn

*****I know I am sharing my personal journey.  I ask that you be respectful and encouraging in any comments you may feel led to leave.  I want to be honest and open about this process.  I will remove mean or judgemental comments.  *****

New Chapter

Its been a long time.  I miss blogging.  Its always been my sanity.  I stopped mostly because my kids asked me to.  They did not want their antics available to the public.  I understood that and needed to respect that. 

There were a few downsides to not blogging though.  The biggest is not having the family history documented.  Even the kids regret this part.  The other is not having a place to process and work through my issues.  Writing really is how I best keep my emotional sanity.  And a journal just doesn't cut it for me. 

Life is to a point that I need to be writing again.  I am starting a new chapter and in true Jennifer fashion I feel the need to let it all hang out.  My hope is it will help me personally but it might also be helpful to others on the same journey.  No, I don't think I'm all that. But, I know I am not one to only talk about the positives or to show life only in the social media "best light." I'm hoping by chronicling this chapter honestly it will be useful. 

You are probably wondering what I'm talking about.  I'm having weight loss surgery, specifically gastric sleeve, on December 31.  I'm excited and terrified all at the same time.  It has been a long road to get to this point and I'm sure I'll get into that at some point.  But for now, that's the news - Weight loss surgery on New Year's Eve.