Day 6 of 30 Days of Mayhem: Ohio, Michigan and Traveling to Niagara Falls

I usually do my writing in the van between different stops.  For whatever reason that did not happen yesterday.  Probably due to exhaustion.  I tried to sleep between Cincinnati and Ann Arbor but had no luck,  Every time I would get close, one of the kids would need something that was by my feet and I didn't want Michael trying to get stuff while also trying to drive.

Funny story about Ohio.  As a kid I could not for the life of me pronounce this state correctly.  Most of the time it came out Hi-o-o or Ho-i-o.  My family found this hilarious and would ask me to pronounce it just to laugh at my many random, incorrect pronunciations.  I did not find this funny and can remember ending up in tears over this.  Eventually there was a riddle that helped me.  What's round on the ends and high in the middle? O-hi-o.  Then if I thought about it first I could do it.  I can now as an adult say Ohio without thinking about it, but it is still my first thought every time and hear anything about the state.

Rehm loves listening to comedians.  Whatever he was listening to was cracking him up.

Our plan was to get up at 7:00 and be packed and out of the hotel by 9:00.  We were up by 7:00 but we did not get out of the hotel until almost 10:00.  Then we had stopped traffic for an accident in Ohio.  It would have been quicker to go through Ohio, the corner of Pennsylvania and New York to get to Niagara Falls, but I wanted us to add another state to our total when we planned our trip and go through Michigan.  So we drove through the University of Michigan, which I think was a good choice.  Rehm was not sold on the campus until he saw the Law School buildings, then he decided he could most definitely consider UM for college.

Lunch consisted of sandwiches, lunch meat and cheese or egg salad, and German potato salad made with the leftover baked potatoes from dinner the night before.  It was yummy it.

It so happens that friends of ours moved to Ann Arbor about two years ago.  Michael and Jill actually grew up together as they both grew up going to Covenant Presbyterian.  Jill and I texted back and forth and as luck would have it they were home and we were able to stop for a short visit with them.  It was so great to see Jill, Aubrey, Henry and Jill's parents who were visiting.  I miss their sweet family.  Aubrey, Ruby and Eliza Claire are all the same age and grew up going to preschool, choir, and Sunday school  together.

When we crossed the border into Canada, I made a comment to all the kids that they had now all been out of the US.  Charlotte piped up with, "Well, we have now all been out of the country legally, I have already been out of the country!"  I guess technically this is true as when were were in Big Bend in 2014 they kids were splashing around in the Rio Grande River and she definitely crossed the halfway point in the river and was technically on Mexican soil for all of about 30 seconds.

After stopping in Ann Arbor we headed to Windsor, just across the Canadian border and had dinner with Julie and her family.  Julie is another of the September 1999 Moms.  I've know her for 17 years and this is the first time we have met in real life!  It was so nice to get to me her, Rob, Kate (who is Sam's age) and Rachel.  My kids were thrilled to be eating at a restaurant and not in the car or in a hotel room.  We ate at Boston Pizza.  It was yummy but the best part was definitely the company.

OK Canadian friends what are these Ikea Order and Pick Up Centers you have and why don't we have them in the states?  What an awesome idea!  I love Ikea, or as a affectionately call it, the Stuff Mart.  I must watch way too much Veggie Tales or at least I obviously used to let my kids watch way too much Veggie Tales as this is another Veggie Tales reference.  Anyway,  I do love Ikea, but sometimes I just want to get something and don't want to spend an hour walking through the store to get one item.

Rehm's sleeping spot.  Has asked to sleep elsewhere.  When offered a bed with his father, he decided he would stay here.

From our dinner stop Niagara Falls was supposed to be about four hours.  Due to a pit stop in London and road construction it took closer to five and a half.  We arrived at the hotel around midnight.  We were all exhausted and done.

When we got to the window to see the falls Eliza Claire got very worried and asked what had happened.  She saw the mist rising from the falls (which were not lit due to the late hour) and thought that there had been/was a fire.  I explained what it was and she relaxed and started enjoying the view.
While the shorter route would have gotten us to our destination much quicker, I am so glad we took the slower route and got to visit with friends.  That time was worth every bit of the extra travel time and the super long day.

Additional Wildlife Seen: lizards, rabbit

States visited so far:  States: 6, Countries: 2, Great Lakes: 1

Jenn

Blast from the Past

I happened to read our individual descriptions on the left side of the blog and realized they were just a little bit out of date.  I have updated them to better reflect everyone's current interests.  However, I realized it was fun to look back on where we were.  Here are the old descriptions.  The best I can tell they are from the summer of 2011. This means the kids were 10, 7, 4, and 4.

This is what happens when two math geeks marry and have four kids!

Jenn
I no longer work outside the home. This is a new endeavor as I spent the last five years working part time for my church. I love to cook, take photos and blog. I hate doing laundry and dishes. I love a good novel, but am not much on non-fiction or literature. I love my kids and being a mom. 

Sam-I-Am
Our firstborn who died at birth. He was our sweet red-headed baby boy. He may not be with us on earth but that makes him no less part of our family. We miss and love him very much.

The Grinch
Our oldest son Rehm. He is my walking encyclopedia. He loves Harry Potter, the ocean, space, science, Pokemon, Phineas and Ferb and anything that has a screen. He loves to know why and how things work. 

Cindy Loo Who
Our oldest daughter. She is the most empathetic girl I know. She loves school, playing with her little sisters and all things social. She is as stubborn as her mother, especially when dealing with her mother.

Thing 1
Our feisty second daughter. She is very dramatic. Her world is one of extremes. She loves to dress up and to play Barbies. 

Thing 2Our cautious third daughter. She is very sensitive and likes to do things in her own way and own time. She loves to play sports and loves cars and tracks and seeing how things work together. 

A very different birthday this year

Today, my eldest child celebrated his 15th heavenly birthday. We had plans to mark the occasion with a small celebration at the cemetery like we often do. That was not meant to be this year.

Instead we spent the day in Illinois. My brother-in-law Dallas, Michael's eldest brother died suddenly, and unexpectedly on Tuesday. We are here to say goodbye and to try to offer some comfort to our dear sister-in-law Cathi and nephew Griffin.

Like Sam, Dallas has left us much too soon. This is not the natural order of things. We aren't supposed to be saying goodbye to him, yet. It's just not right.

Spending Sam's birthday honoring Dallas and loving our family through this unimaginable time does on some level feel appropriate. Sam taught me how to love fully and unconditionally. He taught me that grief is not a bad emotion. He taught me that the pain comes because of how deeply we love and that love is always worth the potential pain. He taught me that those we love may cease to walk this earth with us but they are never gone from us. We continue to carry them in our heart. He taught me that my God is bigger than death and my God never stops holding and comforting me, especially in my deepest sorrows.






My son has taught me that we are not saying "goodbye" to Dallas. We are saying "until we meet again."

So on this day, I thank Sam for teaching me so many lessons about love, faith, and grief. Because of my love for Sam, I am equipped for loving my family at this difficult, sorrowful time.

Sam had a wonderful day with his Uncle Dallas, I'm sure. And I know I spent Sam's birthday exactly how and where I was supposed to.

I ask you all to continue to pray for our family. Grief is a long and difficult road. Dallas loved well and has left a large hole in many people's lives.

Jenn- Posted from my iPhone

Twelve Years Ago Today...

...I became a Mom. I met and said goodbye to my precious firstborn.

Today, he would be twelve. He would be red-headed. He would be in middle school. He would be taller than me. These are all the things I know would be true. The rest are only guesses, ideas, hopes and dreams. And none of them do I get to experience with my precious firstborn.

Sam was with us for a mere nine months. Those nine months were spent cradled and protected inside of me. Others, never got to experience my precious son. His sweet, perfect, short life was spent warm and cozy cradled in my care.

His father and I were so excited about going from a couple to a family. To experience the wonder and joy of parenthood. Twelve years ago today...we got to experience the wonder of seeing our beautiful amazing son only to also experience the crushing grief of saying goodbye to him.

Nine months, to last a life time. Nine months to make all the memories. Nine months to love and nurture and dream and plan.

A lifetime of wonder. A lifetime of what ifs. A lifetime of being a mom to a child no one knows.

It isn't enough. I want more. I want to celebrate a birthday with my child. I want to see his face light up when he opens the perfect gift. I want to hear his voice. I want to give him a hug and have him return it. I want to know my son. I want him in my house. The wants never go away...

But, I know that he lived the life God intended him to live. I know his purpose on this earth was fulfilled. I know God chose us to be his parents for a reason. I know Sam changed me. I know his life while brief had a long and profound effect in so many lives. I know he is not forgotten and never will be.

Sam's life was not a tragedy. It was not a sad life. Sam had a wonderful life, he was and is loved and cared for.

I am so blessed that I am Sam's Mom. I am so glad I got those nine months with him.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, my beautiful son. I love and miss you always.
Jenn

Remebering

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Please take a moment to lift up the families you know that have a baby in heaven. Unfortunately, there are a lot of us out there.

This is a great day to call a friend and tell them that you, too, remember the child they lost. I know it can be a scary thing to do. I know you can be afraid you'll make them sad. I know you can be afraid to say the wrong thing. But you know what? It will make their day. Why? Because it shows them that the baby they lost is remembered and important. If you know the child's name make sure you use it. It really means a lot.

Do you know what one of the biggest fears of parents who lose a child is? It is that people will forget. That their baby won't matter. That their child will have no impact. So please take a minute to let someone dear to you know their baby mattered and still does.

Today I remember Sam, Ryan, Matthew, Aaron, Ashton, Rebecca, Shane, Bradley, JJ, Bradley, Evan, Sarah, Kelly, Sylar, Silas, Patrick, Carter, Jean, Justin, Henry, Wilson, Nicholas, Maryanne, Cole, all the babies who left this world before they had names and many more.

Who do you remember today?
Jenn

Another Unusual Birthday Party

This past Labor Day we held our annual birthday party for Sam at the cemetery. Like every year, it seems crazy to be inviting people to come to the cemetery to eat cake, sing happy birthday and release balloons. Like every year, it is always a very blessed hour for me and my family.

This year we had cookie cake. That sounded good to the kids when we went to pick out a cake. Rehm originally suggested Krispy Kreme donuts. I'm not sure why donuts didn't win. But somehow we got everyone to agree to cookie cake.

The children decided that Sam would like Star Wars now, so we bought action figures to decorate his stone. We also picked up a Aggie gnome as the family is sure that Sam would be an Aggie fan. Rehm mentioned something about the "garden ganoma" at some point during the week. It took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about but ever since that is how I've been referring to the gnome as well. For some reason it just cracks me up every time.





As always, I left Sam's party feeling very loved by my family and friends and as always glad that I was chosen to be Sam's Mom.
Jenn

The Other Side of the Cross

Sunday afternoon I decided to take a few minutes to walk in the sanctuary to see the flowers we had placed there in memory of Sam. By the time I got over there the building was dark and deserted. I sat down for a minute in the same spot where I sat for his memorial service and stared at the stained glass. It took me back to that day, ten years ago, sitting in the service thinking “he is on the other side of the cross. He is on the other side of the cross. He is on the other side of the cross!” Because he actually is on the other side of the cross and on the other side of the cross.

The cemetery where Sam is buried is literally on the other side of the stained glass window. This is where my thought process started that day. But then it occurred to me that he truly is on the other side of the cross because I believe I will see him one day in Heaven because Jesus Christ made it possible through the cross.

Jenn

Ten

It has be ten years since I became a mom. Ten years since I met Sam. Ten years since I saw his sweet face and red hair. Ten years since I counted his fingers and toes. And it has been ten years since I said goodbye.

Saying goodbye to someone you love is never easy. There is never a good time to say goodbye. There is never enough time to spend with someone. It doesn't matter if the person is 100 or 1 day. It is never enough. There are always memories you don't get to make. Things you don't get to say. Milestones not reached.

Ten years is a long time. A lot changes in ten years. People, relationships, careers, it all changes. In many ways it seems like just yesterday Michael and I were embarking on parenthood. In others ways it seems like a lifetime ago. We are different people now than we were ten year ago and having Sam in our lives is definitely part of why we are who we are.

Sam was with us for nine short months. We only spent a few hours getting to memorize his appearance and physically make memories. But Sam will have a lifetime of influence on us. He may not live here with us, but he colors so much of who we are and what we do.

Sam's time with us may have been short, but it was profound and lasting. I am so glad I got the privilege of being Sam's Mom.

Jenn

Eliza Claire on Jesus and Sam

At bedtime Eliza Claire and I had the following conversation:

Eliza Claire: Jesus is my Daddy!

Me: Really?

Eliza Claire: Yep, He is everybody's Daddy.

Me: Uh huh.

Eliza Claire: He is my friend. He is in Heaven. Sam is my brother. He everybody's brother!

Of course, at this point I had to explain why even though her brother Sam is in heaven like Jesus he is not everyone's brother. I thought it was so cute to see her thought process. In her world Jesus, God, Heaven, Sam or The Cat Named Zachary can not mentioned without mentioning at least three of the entities from the list.

I guess this was better than the day Eliza Claire was playing with Ruby and one of them declared that the next door neighbor Mr. Mark was their daddy...

September Moms

I've mentioned a couple of times about my girls trip in July. It was with a three ladies from my September Moms Group. I've know this wonderful group of women for 10.5 years. I met them when I was pregnant for the very first time. We all joined a bulletin board on what was then called ParentSoup. It had expecting communities for each month. ParentSoup has long since been bought by iVillage, who still has very strong expecting communities. Our group has moved forums several times since then and now has our own private board for just the moms that were part of the original group.

I have learned so much from this group of ladies. They are one of my first resources for any parenting question and honestly just any question in general. When we first met, many of us were first time moms but many were also experienced moms.

I've been through so much with these moms. They supported me and loved me when my September baby died. They kept me as part their group and recognized me as the mom I was even when I didn't have a baby at home to post milestones and pictures of. They were my rock. Over the years we have supported each other through divorce, marriage, births of subsequent children, deaths of family members, loss of jobs, moves, graduations, you name it. Somewhere along the line we went from a group of women who had babies in the same month to a really good group of friends. A group of friends that I would be lost without.

Of this group, I've had the pleasure to meet five of the ladies in person over the years. It is so comical when we meet, because an outsider would have no clue this was our first real life encoutner because we start up as if we had just seen each other the day before. I used to refer to these ladies as my online friends but somewhere along the line I realize they are much more than that. They are my friends, really and truly.

I talk to these wonderful women daily. I can tell them anything. I am so glad they are part of my life. And I'm so glad to get to be a September 99 Mom.
Jenn

Passover

Yesterday's story at VBS was the Passover. I think our storytellers did a great job of telling the story in a very age appropriate manner. Last night at dinner, Rehm informed me that if we had been there for Passover, I would not have needed to paint my door as he was not the first born son. He was confident that it would not have been necessary and that he would have been perfectly safe. I, on the other hand, told him I though just to be on the safe side I would have been painting my door anyway.

It is amazing how his mind works and how often his brother, Sam, comes up in unexpected ways.

Always Sam's Mommy,
Jenn

Ruby's Family Tree

This morning Ruby was talking to Cici on the phone. She picked up the phone and said, "I Ruby Caroline." Then she pointed to her sister and said, "there my sister Eliza Claire. My other sister is Charlotte. I have two brothers. Rehm is downstairs. My other brother, he in heaven. He a kitty cat!"

At that point I cracked up and of course she had no idea why. As I was listening to her I was so proud that she knew she had two brothers. And when she said her brother was in heaven, I thought she was really starting to understand, well as much as a two year old can understand having an older brother she's never met in heaven. And then she burst my bubble completely. One day the cat and the brother won't be so tied together in her mind. We talked about both of them later. Hopefully now she is clear on the fact that the cat isn't/wasn't her brother.

Silly girl

Life is Good...

Yesterday all the children's choirs sang at our 11:00 worship service. Both Charlotte and Rehm were singing. Michael was not at church with us as he was home with the little girls as they were recovering from sinus infections.

Charlotte's choir only sang the first two songs of the service. I needed to pick her up and take her back in the sanctuary with me right after she sang. When I went to pick her up I was talking to a dear friend who was also picking up her daughter. We are in support group together*. We both have children in heaven. She was telling me about a book on loss she has been reading. She quoted the last couple of sentences of the book. I can't give credit here as I don't know the title or the author. When I do I'll let you know as it sounds like an interesting book that I would like to read. Anyway, the book ends with something along these lines: "Life is good but something is missing. Life is good and something is missing. Life is good..."

My friend was pointing out that today was one of those days when we got to live the "life is good." That we were making wonderful memories with our living children, doing the things we always thought and dreamed about doing when we had children one day. And that today "life was good." It was so very true.

Charlotte and I went back in the sanctuary and she was sitting in my lap. We had a family get baptised. After they had baptised the baby the minister led the congregation in singing "Jesus Loves Me." This is a part of baptisms that is especially hard for me as we sang that song at Sam's memorial service. I can hear children sing it with no problem. But hearing adults sing it, especially in our sanctuary puts me right back in the second row of the church singing "Jesus Loves Me" with aching empty arms, a six inch incision that was throbbing, feet too swollen to fit into shoes, tears streaming down my face, wondering if I will ever get to hear a child of mine sing that song. It brings me to tears every time. Every. Time.

Yesterday I was sitting in the church with my precious five year old on my lap, listening to her sweet voice sing those wonderful words accompanied by the voices of the congregation and my dear friend's words started echoing in my head "Life is good but something is missing. Life is good and something is missing. Life is good..." I hugged Charlotte a little closer, and yes, I shed a few tears. I was right back at the memorial service but this time I was holding a child of mine and hearing her sweet singing. A feeling of coming full circle washed over me. Life is good.

No matter how many years pass or how full my life is, Sam will always be in my heart and mind. I will always, always wish he were here with me. But I will not let his loss overshadow the the blessing of knowing Sam for such a brief time or the additional blessings God has bestowed on me and my family. Life is good!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...
Jenn


*Let me just say a bit about support group. Michael and I attended a group regularly for serveral months after Sam was born. It made a huge difference for me to be around others who truly understood what we were dealing with. Several years later, we felt called to start a group at our church. We have since passed on leadership to others who are better suited to leading the group today. I don't attend regularly and I no longer need group to get through the month, but I love this group of people. Even 9 years after Sam's death, it is still great to have friends, and they are definitely my dear friends, who truly understand what it means to have a child in heaven. I see this group regularly, mostly for social gatherings and do attend group every couple of months. I strongly recommend support groups to anyone going through difficult times. It is so nice to know you are not alone and that what you are feeling and thinking is completely normal given the circumstances.

Today I Remember

From Sam

My precious first born, Samuel Frank Maham

Today is the National Day of Remembrance for pregnancy and infant loss. Today I remember Samuel Frank Maham, Ryan Michael Maham, Shane Howard Ellison, Rebecca Alice Crow, Edward Thomas Crow, Henry Kaine, Bradley and Josephine Jane Bohn, Bradley Smith, Evan, Sara Reddoch, Carter Lawerence, and many, many more dear children that went to heaven before their parents were ready.

Please take a moment today to lift up anyone you know who has had to walk this difficult path. And take an extra moment to appreciate your children. They are such precious gifts and in the business of each day it is easy to forget what gifts they are.

Happy Birthday Sam

Today is my first born's birthday. Unfortunately, they are heavenly birthdays and not earthly ones. Today he is nine. I can't begin to imagine who that sweet baby I held nine years ago would be today. What would he look like? What kind of personality would he have had - I think he would have be a lot like Eliza Claire? What would his interests be?

Oh, how I miss him. Oh, how I wish I could spend his birthday with him. Oh, how I wish I could spend his birthday joyfully and not tearfully. Oh, how I wish I could see all five of my kids playing together. Oh, how I wish I could see my two sons together laughing over some silly, gross, elementary boy thing.

I just wish I got to know him. But, I know God is good. And I know God loves me and Sam. I know I will see him again. I know I will always be his mother. I know I will always love him. I know, but still, I wish...

A girl named Audrey

Yesterday Michael forwarded me a link to a blog he had stumbled across. It is a blog about Audrey Caroline. In January her family found out that she would likely never survive outside the womb. It is their journey of faith and family, of understanding and despair. It is beautiful. It is painful. It is sad. It is Audrey's story. Her very brief life. But she has and will continue to touch so many people. People like me, who didn't get the pleasure to know her, and people closer, her family who did get the gift of knowing her best. I sat and read and cried for over an hour last night for this family and their beautiful girl.

This morning I woke and Audrey and her family are still very present in my mind. I know her parents are suffering the loss of her but are also elated because they finally got to meet her, hold her and love on her. They got to make memories with her for such a brief time, but those memories will last them a lifetime. They will comfort them when they miss her so much they don't know how to take the next step. They will make them smile when they see something that reminds them of her. Those memories are all they have and they are precious. But those memories are not the end of Audrey's story for she will touch more lives than her parents will probably ever know. Her brief and beautiful life will change people, people close to her and people who never met her.

We are all blessed to have the families God has given us. He has not always given us the families we asked for. But what He has given us is good, and right, and perfect just like Audrey.

Today and every day I am,
Sam's Mommy

Happy Birthday Sam

Sam's eighth heavenly birthday was August 30th. The evening before his birthday was really hard on me this year. I still miss him so very much. I still wonder what he would look like and what his favorite things to do would be. I would love to see him playing with his siblings. I would just love to give him a big hug and tell him how very much I love him. But since I can't I try to be his mom in different ways, one of which is reaching out to others who lose a baby.


Yesterday we celebrated his birthday with a party at the cemetery. I know this sounds very unusual and it is. But when you involve your children in the planning process this is what happens. In their minds it is his birthday and that means there must be a party. It doesn't matter that he is in heaven, there must be a party. Of course if you have a party there must be guests and party favors and cake. This year they insisted on inviting more friends than in past years. So I got the task of inviting everyone to our unusual party. Luckily we have wonderful friends who are very gracious about our strange requests

Everyone had fun celebrating Sam's birthday. The kids went on a tour of the section of the cemetery to ring all the wind chimes they could find. Rehm and Charlotte had picked out little plastic zoo animals and lizards to decorate Sam's stone, so all the kids helped with the decorating. Then we sang Happy Birthday and had cake. Then we release balloons to send to Sam in heaven. The older kids really liked that part and really liked watching After the balloon release we gave everyone their party favor (a light stick) and it was time to go.



It is really touching to have family and friends who love our family enough to come to the cemetery for a birthday party. I feel truly blessed to have such amazing people in my life.

After having lunch Michael, the kids and I went to the hospital. Every year we take a bag containing a book on grief, a journal and a keepsake (usually a Willow Tree angel) and ask that it be given to a family whose baby dies. Every year we trek to the Labor and Delivery Nurses Station and the staff standing there look at us like we are crazy since we have several kids with us and are obviously not about to have a baby. We explain why we are there, give them the bag and leave. It is something I'm glad we do and I hope that whoever receives the bag finds a small measure of comfort in that bag.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy!
Jenn

I Am Blessed

One Monday a month I facilitate a Pregnancy and Infant Loss support group. I do this for many reasons. It is my way of giving back. It is something I get to do every month for a child I don't get to raise. It is the one thing on the calender that is scheduled Sam time. I like to think it makes Sam proud. It also helps me remember how blessed I am.

I am the mom of five beautiful, special, amazing children. I get the privilege of raising four of them. They challenge me, wear me out, make me laugh, make me cry and sometimes make me angry. But at the end of everyday I thank God for all five of them and beg Him to watch over them, protect them and let them feel His love.

Sam is my angel. He died at birth over seven years ago. He is waiting for me and one day I will see him. And while I do not get the privilege of raising him, he has a profound daily effect on my life. He never saw my face and I never saw him open his eyes. I never heard his voice but I know his spirit. I will always get to be his mom even though I do not get to watch him grow up. And as his mom, I get the privilege to reach out to others who also have to travel this very unfortunate journey. It is my gift to him and his gift to me.

I am reminded daily of how blessed I am but the second Monday of the month makes me even more aware of my blessings and even more grateful that God chose me to be Sam, Rehm, Charlotte, Ruby and Eliza's mom.

Several months ago Rehm's teacher was thoughtful enough to let me borrow her Watermark "A Greatful People" CD so I could hear the song "Glory Baby" which is about losing a child. I feel it gives a small glimpse of what we have gone through. Here are the lyrics.

Please thank God for your children today and remember what a precious gift they are.
Jenn