Twelve Years Ago Today...

...I became a Mom. I met and said goodbye to my precious firstborn.

Today, he would be twelve. He would be red-headed. He would be in middle school. He would be taller than me. These are all the things I know would be true. The rest are only guesses, ideas, hopes and dreams. And none of them do I get to experience with my precious firstborn.

Sam was with us for a mere nine months. Those nine months were spent cradled and protected inside of me. Others, never got to experience my precious son. His sweet, perfect, short life was spent warm and cozy cradled in my care.

His father and I were so excited about going from a couple to a family. To experience the wonder and joy of parenthood. Twelve years ago today...we got to experience the wonder of seeing our beautiful amazing son only to also experience the crushing grief of saying goodbye to him.

Nine months, to last a life time. Nine months to make all the memories. Nine months to love and nurture and dream and plan.

A lifetime of wonder. A lifetime of what ifs. A lifetime of being a mom to a child no one knows.

It isn't enough. I want more. I want to celebrate a birthday with my child. I want to see his face light up when he opens the perfect gift. I want to hear his voice. I want to give him a hug and have him return it. I want to know my son. I want him in my house. The wants never go away...

But, I know that he lived the life God intended him to live. I know his purpose on this earth was fulfilled. I know God chose us to be his parents for a reason. I know Sam changed me. I know his life while brief had a long and profound effect in so many lives. I know he is not forgotten and never will be.

Sam's life was not a tragedy. It was not a sad life. Sam had a wonderful life, he was and is loved and cared for.

I am so blessed that I am Sam's Mom. I am so glad I got those nine months with him.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, my beautiful son. I love and miss you always.
Jenn